Have you tried children's toothpaste? It's delicious. This means one of two things:

Either it doesn't work and I'm wasting ten minutes of everyday having stand up screaming matches with midgets, or...

We could all just be using it.

Screw your minty freshness, I'm for the sugary yummyness.

Frank Exchange of Opinion on the Grove

Two blocks away I hear him
foot hard on the accelerator
four cylinders
pounding successive
staccato combinations
down the narrow road
where trees, parked cars and
Stobie poles
all potential starting blocks
for impetuous children
to hurl themselves out in front
of this metal juggernaut.

My children.

He flies into view over the rise
like Bullitt
with pimples and peacock hair
and I give him a slow clap
each steady percussion says:
virgin
no woman will ever touch
your small,
flaccid
cock.

He seems to understand
and responds with
a jaunty middle finger:
whatever grandpa.
What are you, like, forty?
Get fucked.

And I hope the sour taste of it
stays with him
a little longer than with me.

Recent Stone Cold Noodlisms

Are you magic Neddy?
No, I’m just a killer.


Where do tigers live Neddy?
In cafes.

Am I crazy?
No, you’re not crazy Neddy.
Dad, I was talking to the TV.

He’s a bad man.
Why’s that Neddy?
Because he’s a fucker.

Prayers of Ten Year Old Girls

Is it wrong to scoff at their sincerity?

Judge for yourself:

'Dear God, please help my cat to lose weight today.'

'Dear God, I pray that my sister is okay when her braces get tightened tomorrow.'

'Hey God, I hope my goldfish had a good day in heaven.'

'Thanks God for letting my netball team win on Saturday.'

No wonder He/She doesn't have time to stop all those children dying of AIDS. I blame those fat cats.

It is no big surprise to me that the Noodle has been difficult of late; the twos have a certain reputation after all. He is advancing rapidly in some areas and not so much in others and this may be a cause of his frustration and erratic behaviour.
He can, for instance, name a dozen dinosaurs and tell you if they are carnivores or vegetarians (or naughty / not naughty - the intricacies of evolution being, for him, reduced to a question of binary morality). Yet our black dog and white dog are nomenclatutorily interchangeable.
He can recite picture books word for word, even if he doesn't know what the words mean; work a CD player; sort of ride a tricycle and be generally charming. Yet he continually kicks his little brother in the head, throws things, hits his parents and refuses to obey reasonable instructions.
Again not surprising to anyone I suppose, even those who aren't parents are aware that children exist (long gone as those halcyon days of seen and not heard are) and a fair bit of literature and today tonight time is given over to them.
What has hit me recently though, as Knickers and I have been dealing with his behaviour and a teething Pudden, is that there really, really is no end to it. Noodle is not - in three days, three weeks or three years - going to suddenly have an epiphany, 'oh, right, he's my little brother, well then I'll love and cherish him always and we'll never fight again'. No. He and Puddenare going to grow into more and more complex individuals that no parenting skills will transform into good little Stepford children.
So Noodle is balanced between infancy and boyhood, Pudden between baby and infant and both their parents between coping and the madhouse.

It is still a joyous time and I revel in each new development and discovery. Other parents say it gets easier once they're toilet trained or at school or left home, but I'm beginning to think each stage is just as challenging as the preceding one. Maybe we as parents just get better at managing that challenge?

TheyPod IRun

A la Kath I have been oft pounding the treadmill of late. So rather than actually write something, I'm going to tell you what I have been listening to:

Walk Away - Dropkick Murphys
That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Debaser - Pixies
Tundra Rap - from The Mighty Boosh
Farewell Rocketship - Children Collide
Fruit Machine - The Ting Tings
I'm the Hitcher - also from The Mighty Boosh
Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis
Shipping Up To Boston - Dropkick Murphys
Jungle Drum - Emiliana Torrini
Polka - Yves Klein Blue
Casino - Philadelphia Grand Jury
Stop the Rock - Apollo 440 (I don't care - this is a great running song)
Know Your Product - The Saints
Orgasmatron - Motorhead
Dead Cities - The Exploited

Quasi folky punk seems to feature quite heavily.

Also, I ran 12k in 50:26 yesterday. Which was nice.

New School

I am soon to start my final prac. Six weeks in a year 6/7 class, and I've been in a few times this week to get to know the students and teacher.

Funny thing for someone who wants to be a teacher, but I still have this fear of kids, that they are all self-centred little beasts who will rup me apart if given half a chance. It really isn't the case. Every school I've worked at I've found them bright, keen to learn and - generally - pleasant.

That is not to say that they can't be terribly cruel to each other, and it is heartbreaking as an adult to witness the social exclusion of some and to know that there is nothing you can really do to stop it. I'm not saying I'd not interevene in a situation where someone was being bullied, or that they bring it on themselves, just that kids have their own society, one of the only things that the adult world can't dictate to them, and we are powerless to recast the order of it.

First off I still have to graduate, which will be tricky enough, but not I fear, as tricky as getting a job. The idea that teaching positions are falling from the trees being a bit of a furphy. But all that done I am really looking forward to being a professional, to having my own class to get to know and work with over a year and be able to fill their heads with trivia that everyone else (in my family)just places straight in the Useless Information file.